


Pillow Talk

by ToughPaperRound



Series: Pillow Talk DVD [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1950s, Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Different Times, Enemies to Lovers, Films, Gender politics have moved on since 1959, M/M, Meet-Cute, Phone Calls & Telephones, Pillow Talk, Romantic Comedy, hurrah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-06 10:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18849013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound
Summary: Alec and Magnus are forced to share a phone line. Set in 1950s New York.A light adaptation of the 1959 Doris Day/Rock Hudson film, Pillow Talk.





	1. Inspiration

**Notes:**

Rest in Peace, Doris Day (1922 - 2019)  Dancer, singer, actress and animal rights activist.

My favourite aspect of Doris' Hollywood life was her singing, she had a warmth and accuracy that was beautiful to experience. Her hard work is difficult to spot in recordings & that takes skill.

Favourite song? [Secret Love](https://youtu.be/aiueIiFJdN8).

This story came about (as so many Malec AUs do) whilst watching a fave film… Pillow Talk from 1959...it is not heavily altered at all, the dialogue especially is lovingly retold here. So I'm claiming no originality whatsoever! I'll include a few links to original scene clips, but hopefully you can watch the whole film somewhere if it interests you.

Where tweeks have been made, it was to make some of the gender politics a little more acceptable for modern ears. Or to cut for brevity.

In this AU, Magnus plays the role of Rock Hudson as lothario songwriter Brad in the original version of Pillow Talk. Alec plays the role of Doris Day as interior decorator Jan (think of This World Inverted AU Alec if you like?). I hope I caught all the pronoun changes!

I had this pondering in my WIP file for a while, but the sad news of Doris's death this week prompted me to push it forward.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as Mansikka (Cheers hun!) and I enjoy chatting about it!

 

**Chapter 1:**

_Pillow talk, pillow talk_

_Another night of gettin' my fill of pillow talk_

_My pillow and I both agree_

_There must be a boy, must be a pillow_

_Must be a pillow talkin' boy for me_

_I hope I'm right_

_I'd better be right_

_Oh, there must be a pillow talkin' boy,_

_for me..._

_There must be a boy,_

_There must be a boy,_

_There must be a boy,_

_There must be a boy!_

_There must!_

 

_Doris Day - Pillow Talk - hear it / see full lyrics on[MetroLyrics](http://www.metrolyrics.com/pillow-talk-lyrics-doris-day.html) _

 

Alec Lightwood is dressing before he can head off for his first appointment of the day when he remembers a phone call he must make for work. He dashes to the bedside table and grabs the phone.

Rather than the dial tone, however, he hears a simpering voice saying, "Magnus! Magnus, darling, I love you!"

“I know,” replies a deep voice.

“I'll never forget last night, especially when you sang your song to me.”

 **“Our** song, Eileen,” corrects that deep voice again.

“Would you sing it to me again?”

“Oh, now?”

“Please!”

“You are my Inspiration, Eileen,” he croons.

 

Alec is tying his tie, waiting impatiently but quiet on the line. When he hears the singing, though, he rolls his eyes. This is just too much! “I do hate to interrupt, but would you mind hanging up please?!”

“Who's that!!” demands Eileen.

“Just the other half of my party line. Ignore him & he'll go away,” drawls Deep Voice.

“I have an important call to make…” begins Alec primly.

“I happened to consider this an important call,” interrupts Deep Voice.

“Talking to a girl at nine in the morning?!”

“It's none of your business what he does to me. Or when!” retorts Eileen.

"Would you please get off this line!" demands Alec, slamming down the phone.

 

He bustles to the kitchen.

Removes a jug of tomato juice from the fridge, pours one glass, places it on the counter, fetches bottles of Tabasco and Worcester sauce from the cupboard, places them next to the juice.

Alec is about to head off to finish his hair when he remembers the phone call he needs to make - he turns and picks up the kitchen extension to dial and instead he hears Deep Voice talking again with another person.

 

“Will I see you tonight?”

“Oh no, I must work - I have 6 songs to write for the new show.”

“But you must eat, yes?”

“Oh, I'll throw something together here.”

“I will come over and cook something for you, yes? You must keep up your strength.”

“Well, if you like!”

“Thank you, mi corazón! Magnus - will you sing me a little of Our Song?”

“Oh, Carlos!” Loverboy sets down the handset on his piano and begins to play. This time Magnus is singing the song in Spanish, “Eres mi Inspiración, Carlos…”

 

“Will you please get off this phone!” shouts Alec, exasperated.

“Who is that man?” asks Carlos.

“Some little eavesdropper on my party line. He's always listening in, it's how he brightens up his drab empty life,” explains Magnus.

“If I could get a call through every once in a while, my life wouldn't be so drab!” retorts Alec.

 

Ready for work and abandoning the phone at last, Alec heads to the lift doors. The lift seems to be travelling extremely slowly. Alec rolls his eyes and waits some more.

The doors open to reveal a lady holding onto the rail tightly and looking a little green. She huffs at the elevator guy and demands, "Why must you zoom up so fast? You like, jet-propelled or something?"

The lady staggers out of the lift. "Good Morning Dot," Alec says gently to her as she walks past, "the laundry man's coming by today, and would you please tidy up the cupboards for me?"

Dot says nothing and carefully lets herself into the apartment.

 

"That's a peach of a hangover she's got this morning," says Lorenzo the elevator guy.

"I'm afraid so," agrees Alec.

"Why does she have to get stoned every night?"

"Ohh I don't know, Lorenzo," muttered Alec, long-sufferingly, "Maybe she's got a party line."

 

Dot trudges into the apartment and settles at the kitchen worktop to drink her juice, having swirled a good dose of sauce through it. She winces at its strength and removes her hat to reveal an ice-pack sitting underneath it.

 

A [bannered post is on Tumblr](https://toughpaperround.tumblr.com/post/184919349238/pillow-talk-a-malec-au-based-very-closely-on-the) if you'd like to connect or reblog. If you want to write **me** a song, I'd be delighted xx

 


	2. A United Nations Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working it out?

The lift crawls up to Alec's floor and Dot stumbles out of the doors.

"You don't have to break the sound barrier, you hot-rodder,” she mutters back at Lorenzo.

 

"Dot? That you?" calls out Alec, "Well! Listen to this!" waving a letter he received that morning, "I finally had enough of 'Loverboy' and officially complained to the phone company. Now they inform me it could be at least a month more yet before I can get a private line. Can you believe it?"

"Nggggh!" is Dot's response as she sits by the tomato juice.

 

Alec leaves her in peace and heads off to his bedroom to dress for the day. The phone rings. Dot holds her head very carefully to bolster herself against the noise of the bell.

“Hello?” answers Alec.

"Mr Lightwood! My name is Magnus Bane. I've been advised by the phone company that there is a code number for our party line, it's 1700. I suggest that the next time you have a complaint, you dial it and complain to me personally."

"Why Mr Bane, I do hope there'll be no further cause for complaint."

"Mr Lightwood, why are you so fascinated with my personal affairs?"

"I'm not fascinated, Mr Bane, I'm revolted."

"You don't see me moaning to the phone company to complain about your affairs."

"I have none to complain about," says Alec (cringing a little as he sees the trap he set for himself).

"It figures."

“What do you mean, 'It figures’?”

"Well obviously, you're a person who lives alone - and doesn't like it."

"I happen to like living alone!"

"Look, I don't know what's bothering you, but - don't take your bedroom problems out on me."

"I have no bedroom problems! There's nothing in my bedroom that bothers me."

“Aww, that's too bad," commiserates Magnus.

 

"Hmmph," growls out Alec, standing up and trying to remain calm, "let's try to be adult about this and work out some kind of schedule where I can make my business calls and you can make your - whatever you call the calls you make."

"Now, from the hour to the half hour the phone will be yours. From the half hour to the hour it will be mine. Should either of us receive a call during the other's half-hour he shall terminate the call as quickly as possible. In emergencies, each will exercise a little tolerance. How does that sound?"

"Like a report from the United Nations," drawls Magnus.

"You mean you disagree?"

"No. It might work."

"Well I hope so, I understand that we're going to have to share this party line for at least another month. We'll just _have_ to try living with one another," and there Alec pauses biting his tongue. Why does he keep dropping these lines whenever he's speaking with this unbearable man?

“Well?” prompts Magnus, smirking.

“I was waiting for you to make some off-colour remark,” says Alec stiffly, expecting the worst.

"Mr Lightwood, is that all you have on your mind?!"

"Never mind **my** mind! You stick to your half hour and I'll stick to mine!"

 

***

 

Alec stomps through to the kitchen where Dot has just replaced the handset on the kitchen extension.

 

"You know, he makes pretty good sense," announces Dot.

"Were you listening in again?" asks Alec, hands on his hips.

"Yessir," admits Dot readily.

"Dot, have you no shame?"

"No sir!" adds Dot, firmly, "He's brightened up many a dreary afternoon for me," she mutters into her drink.

"Oh yeah? What did he say that was such good sense?"

"If there's anything worse than a person living alone, it's a person saying they likes it."

"Well I do like it! I have a good job, a lovely apartment, I go out with very nice men to the best places: the theatre, the finest restaurants. What am I missing?!"

"When you have to ask, believe me, you're missing it."

"Well what is a guy supposed to do, go out on the streets and ask the first guy he meets to come home with him?"

"No, don't do that," Dot says, picking up her drink again, "It don't work."

 

 

Alec wanders back to finish dressing, now he has some coffee. He sits looking in his mirror and thinks,

\-- _Bedroom problems! Hmmmph!_

_\-- Bedroom problems?_

 


	3. Warm rolls in the bakery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we finally meet Simon Lewis, a person who knows both Magnus and Alec, though nobody else knows that yet.  
> He and Magnus have been best friends for many years, and they are trying to work together to put on a Broadway Show.  
> He and Alec, well: he's a client, a friend, and he'd love for Alec to become his Spouse #4 but Alec just sees him as a sweet friend.  
> He's also a millionaire, thanks to his ancestors making a fortune when the Talkies first began. 
> 
> We missed out on a great scene in the last episode, in which Simon tries to gift a sports car to Alec in appreciation of the great job he's doing with the Lewis office remodelling. Sadly, a crew member accidentally exposed the film, and the budget had already been blown to borrow that gorgeous beast of a car for the hour they had.  
> Ah well! Que Sera, Sera!  
> Alec of course, refused the gift as it was far too much. He patted his cheek as he left, "Send me cologne, Simon! And... Thank you!"  
> LATEST News! The scene has since been recovered and remastered, and is available on the DVD as a [deleted scene](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19077643/chapters/45320887/).

 

"Hullo, Simon, I brought this painting for you to approve, I thought maybe - on the East wall?” says Alec as he places the painting on top of a side-table and steps back to admire it, “How does it look, hmm?"

Simon launches himself from his office desk to stand close to Alec and says, "You look gorgeous!"

"Oh Simon, no really," he steps back a little more, pointing at the painting, "Now, do you like it or don't you?"

"Whatever  **you** like, I like! … Oh Alec, why won't you marry me?" pleads Simon.

Alec smiles, shakes his head gently and explains, "Simon, I don't love you!"

"Well, that's absurd!"

"Oh?!"

"Well! I'm young? I'm rich, I'm healthy, I'm good-looking… I'm very good-looking! I've got everything!"

"Including three ex-spouses!" counters Alec.

"Hmm. So that's what it is! Alec, please don't hold that against me. You know, those marriages were all a revolt against my mother. I've been trying to work it out, trying to find out why I dislike her so. I've been talking with my analyst about her for two years now!"

"And?"

"It's perfectly healthy. He dislikes her just as much as I do. And he's from Vienna! Alec! We'll go to Mexico: it'll be like starting from scratch, I've never been married in Mexico."

"Simon, I just don't happen to love you!"

"Well how do you know?" whines Simon, "Love isn't an opinion, it's a chemical reaction. We've never even kissed…" Simon leans nearer and kisses Alec carefully. It's a gentle kiss, leaving both rather unmoved. Simon parts from Alec a little but still holds his elbow softly. "Well - they didn't hit the moon with the first missile shot, either?"

Alec smiles. "Aw Simon. I guess that's what I want: to hit the moon!"

 

"Let's have dinner tonight... and then we can try another countdown?" asks Simon, his eyebrows suggestive.

"Can't do it, I have a housewarming tonight for one of our clients."

"I'll call you tomorrow then… if I can ever get through that busy signal," grumbles Simon.

"Ooh! Call between the half-hour and the hour. I've signed a ceasefire with my party line."

"Alec!" begs Simon as they move to the door, "Marry me, and I'll smother you with private phones!"

Alec snorts, opens the door and says, "I'd better leave: that kind of talk could sweep a guy off his feet!"

 

+++

 

Alec's Housekeeper, Dot, spends almost all her 'work-time' sat at the kitchen counter with a teacup full of gin and listening in on the Party Line.

Trying not to swoon, or giggle, or both.

She thinks Magnus is fabulous. She's his biggest fan - he's been the best entertainment around here all year. We catch her humming the 'Inspiration' tune sometimes, once her hangover has faded.

  
  


"Hi Dot! Any calls?" asks Alec as he enters his home.

"Shh! It's him!" whispers Dot, a glow on her face.

Alec checks his watch, and gestures that he wants to take the handset. "Mr Bane? You're on  **my** half hour!" he says firmly, and puts down the phone.

Dot looks unimpressed, and labels him a ‘Party Pooper’ as she picks up her bag to leave.

 

Shortly after, the phone rings again and Alec answers it to hear Magnus, irritated. "Don't ever do that again!"

"Mr Bane, we made an agreement. You were on my time."

"Alright, so I overlap by a few measly minutes? What am I supposed to do when someone calls me - be as rude as you are?"

"Have you anything else to say?" asks Alec, forcing himself to continue to be calm.

"Yes! Get off my back! Stop living vicariously on what you think I do! There are plenty of warm rolls in the bakery… stop pressing your nose against the window!"

 

 

A reminder that you can find a Pillow Talk post to reblog on [my Tumblr, here](https://toughpaperround.tumblr.com/post/184919349238/pillow-talk-a-malec-au-based-very-closely-on-the).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pictures of Alec here, btw are generally screenshots from Matthew Daddario's [advert](https://youtu.be/lNYR7jBPbjk/)


	4. Lining the family garbage can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus works something out

Simon arrives at Magnus' apartment, and calls out, “How's the show going, any more songs ready?”

“Almost!” calls Magnus from the bathroom.

“Well, let's hear them?”

“Not now, Simon, I'm going out.”

“Now just a minute, my boy, I'm putting up $200,000 for this show! We've got a theatre deadline to meet!”

“Simon!” warns Magnus, “You're hounding me!”

“Ah, I dunno, money seems to have lost it's value these days,” ponders Simon as he pours a Scotch for himself from Magnus’ drinks trolley, “with $200,000 my grandfather began a chain of movie theatres in Omaha but now I can't even seem to frighten songwriters with it.”

“Hmm, that's inflation for you. Help yourself to a drink,” offers Magnus, busy finding a tie.

“Thanks,” putting the bottle back down, “The trouble is, you're prejudiced against me ‘cos I'm part of a minority group.”

Magnus laughs at him but asks, “What minority group?”

“Millionaires! You outnumber us - but you'll never get us. We'll fight for our rights to the bitter end! We've got the money to do it.”

“Why Simon, you sound absolutely bitter!”

“Well! You don't know what this show means to me! Look at us: we went through college together. You worked your way through, you've become an important songwriter, you've had a couple of big Broadway hits. You started out with nothing and you've really made something of yourself! Me, I started out in college with eight million dollars and I've still got eight million dollars. I just can't seem to get ahead!”

 

Magnus comes round to look Simon in the eye, and he asks quietly, “Who's the guy?”

“What guy?”

“Come on now, you can't kid me! I've been through three marriages with you. You're like a fighter, you're only ambitious when you're getting ready to climb into the ring.”

“Huh! Yeah! Well there is a guy. He is the sweetest, the loveliest, the most talented person I've ever met!”

“That's what you said when you married that stripper.”

“She was not a stripper, she was an exotic dancer. With trained doves," huffed Simon, loyally.

“Hmm. When's the er, - the 'happy’ occasion?”

‘Well, I'm not sure? He claims he doesn't want to marry me. But, well, that's what all my spouses said at first.” Checking his watch, Simon asks Magnus, “Mind if I call him up?” pointing at Magnus’ phone.

“Sure. What's his name?”

“Alec,” smiles Simon, dialling the number.

Magnus does a double-take and is suddenly much more interested in this conversation, “Alec... who?”

“Alec- … Oh no! I can't tell **you**. I may be neurotic, but I'm not crazy!” retorts Simon. “Busy!” giving up on the call, “I can never get him on the phone. He shares a party line with some nut.”

 _\-- "It couldn't be! Or could it?_ " thinks Magnus.

“What kind of a nut?” he asks instead.

“Some guy with a phone fetish. He had to make a deal with him where they use it on alternate half-hours!”

“Haha, that's ridiculous!”

“So, pretty guy, huh?” fishes Magnus.

“Mmmm!” agreed Simon, distracted as he dials the number once more.

“Tall? Well-built?”

"Mm-hmmm?"

“Well, I should know your type after all this time! And you won't tell me who he is?” wheedles Magnus.

“Damn right I won't! I found this gold mine, I'm not gonna tell an old claim jumper like you how to get to it,” insists Simon.

"You sly dog, you!" admires Magnus.

“Huh! Still busy!" hanging up, "I must be on the wrong half-hour.”

 

“You know, Magnus, as a friend," pontificates Simon, "I only hope one day you'll meet someone to settle down with. You've got to quit all this chasing around: get married.”

“Why?” asks Magnus, curious.

“You're not getting any younger, fella! Oh sure, it's fun, it's exciting, chasing around, a different person on your arm every night. But there comes a time when a man wants to give up that kind of life.”

“Why?” asks Magnus, dumbfounded.

“Because he wants to create a stable, lasting relationship with one person. Believe me! There is nothing in this world so wonderful, so fulfilling, as coming home to the same person every night.”

“Why?”

“Because, that's what it means to be adult: a spouse, a family, a house. A mature man wants those responsibilities!”

“Why?”

“Well! If you want to you can find tricky arguments against anything! Hmmmph! What have you got against marriage anyway?”

“Simon! Before a man gets married he's like a tree standing in the forest. He stands there - independent, an entity unto himself,” says Magnus, expansive whilst he stands tall next to the piano. “Then he's chopped down,” Magnus slumps against the piano, “his branches are cut off, he's stripped of his bark and he's thrown into the river, with the rest of the logs. Then this tree is taken to the mill and when it comes out - he's no longer a tree! He's a side table, a breakfast nook, a crib, and the newspaper that lines the family garbage can.”

  
“No, no!” counters Simon, “See, if this person weren't something extra special then maybe I'd agree with you. But - with Alec, you look **forward** to having your branches cut off. Ahem. Well! I've gotta be going. Now, get to work on those songs!"

 

\-----

 

 

Magnus decides to change tack with this Mr Lightwood.

Conciliation. Sweet-talk him with a bit of the old Bane Magic.

 

“Hello?”

“Mr Lightwood? This is Magnus. Magnus Bane. I've gone through an agonising reappraisal of our situation. I'm not very proud of myself - I **have** used the phone too much, and I've been extremely rude. I'd like to apologise for the way I've been acting and I thought we could get together? Have a cup of coffee maybe. Uh, we might find we have a lot in common…?”

“Mr Bane, we have nothing in common. Not that meeting you mightn't prove amusing. But frankly, some jokes are just too obvious to be funny.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whilst watching this film again last week, I also worked something out.  
> I had never understood why Alec's line was always busy when Simon rang the number here. Surely he has the correct half-hour!  
> I understand that reference now.


	5. Now I'm under your spell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, both Alec and Magnus are having a sociable evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We meet Victor Aldertree who is younger than in Shadowhunters canon.  
> We also meet his mother, who is a Scarsdale Socialite. Mrs Aldertree has been a major client for Alec, and the end of his contract is marked tonight by her Housewarming Party.
> 
> Magnus, meanwhile...

Magnus is sat tinkering on a tune at his piano.

  
A redhead in a glamorous blue frock stands watching him with fascination, and she holds out a glass of champagne to him as he makes a few notes on a score. "Magnus, honey?" she prompts as she offers him the glass.

"Shh!" interrupts Magnus, "Almost got it…" adds a last note, "...there!"

"I can't believe it, a song! - for li'l ole me?"

"Mmhmm!" and Magnus passes the glass back to her so that he can begin the introductory bars for his 'new' song, singing;

 _You are my Inspiration,_ ...

Magnus casts his mind desperately before being able to recall the redhead's name...

_… Marie!_   
_A perfect combination, Marie!_

Marie sneakily takes the phone off the hook and lays it down on the piano, determined that no other person is going to interrupt her attempts to seduce this amazing man. He looks her directly in the eyes as he croons further;

_Your eyes, your hair, are beyond compare,_   
_So is it any wonder?_   
_You captured me,_   
_And now I'm under your spell, Marie._

Marie rushes to stand behind him at the piano, and puts an arm over his shoulder. She bends to whisper into his ear, "Oh, Magnus!"

Magnus smiles broadly as his shoulders are pulled back into her silk-clad bosom.

\-----

  
At Mrs Aldertree's housewarming party, we see Alec trying to take his leave near the front door of an elegant Scarsdale Mansion.

“What a pity you have to leave so soon!” says Mrs Aldertree.

“Yes I must get going, I have a very early appointment in the morning,” replies Alec.

Mrs Aldertree sighs, “Oh, you know, everyone thinks the house is just heaven!”

“Really? I'm so glad!” Alec smiles politely as he puts on his overcoat.

A young man has let himself in at the front door and seems to want to scoot upstairs without any attention. When he notices Alec, however, he halts and comes back towards Mrs Aldertree.

“Good Evening, Mother! How's the party going?”

“Oh, lovely, darling!” delights Mrs Aldertree, grabbing his arm and pulling him closer, “Mr Lightwood! I want you to meet my son, Victor.” Victor can't seem to take his eyes off Alec.

“Hello!”

“Victor's graduating from Harvard this summer, he's Phi Beta Kappa, you know!

“Oh?” nods Alec with a raised brow at Mrs Aldertree.

“Oh Mother, it's not that big a deal!”

“Hahaha! If Victor has one fault, it's that he's too modest!” she simpers, patting his hand. Alec smiles politely.

 

“Now, Mr Lightwood, you needn't wait for a cab… Victor can drive you into town.”

“Oh no, I wouldn't want to impose, really,” replies Alec.

“I'd be delighted to, Mr Lightwood.”

“Well then, thank you!” accepts Alec.

“Marvellous. Well, I do hope Mr Graymark feels better in the morning,” says Ms Aldertree.

“I'm sure he will,” replies Alec. “Well, goodnight Mrs Aldertree,” he adds, shaking her hand.

“Thank you dear, goodnight!”

"I won't be long, Mother," the young man says as he kisses his Mother's cheek.

"Now, Victor! Don't drive too fast!" calls Mrs Aldertree as they climb into Victor's tiny sports car. Alec waves gamely as the car screeches off down the driveway.

  
•••••

  
Marie has moved to the couch in Magnus’ living room, where he solicitously brings her a fresh glass of champagne.

“What time do you have to be back at the Copa for your next set?” he asks her.

She smiles up at him, perfectly relaxed, and sips on the champagne, pulling him in close next to her. “Now, don't you worry sugar, we've simply got oodles and oodles of time!”

She puts the glass down so that she can wind her arms around his neck, pulling him into a languid kiss. She's warm like a Georgia summer evening. Magnus reaches across the back of the couch, never breaking their embrace, and pats across the back of the seat to find the two switches fitted there. He fumbles a little as Marie presses against him more firmly, but finds the left-hand switch and flicks it.

Automated mechanisms dim all the lights in his apartment, and Marie relaxes further. A record player begins to play a soft, seductive tune and Marie moans into his kiss. Her toes curl in delight, knowing she has Magnus’ full attention...

\-----

  
On the rapid journey home, Alec soon loses count of the number of times this self-absorbed young lad manages to compliment his own taste in cars, or to name-drop Harvard. He pats at Alec's arm or thigh each time he does so, too.

Alec is considering the merits of either politely asking him to refrain or simply reminding him to keep his eyes on the road, when Victor pulls over at a kerbside near a fancy club.

“I live eight more blocks on from here, Victor. Do you want me to get a cab and let you get back home?” asks Alec.

“No no! I want you to come into the Copa del Rio with me! It's such a peach of a place, I'm sure you'll love it! Do come in for just one drink with me and then I'll take you home…?”

\-- “ _Oh, Lucian, you really owe me big time for tonight,”_ Alec grumbles to himself.

After a little more insisting on both sides, Alec finally decides to be polite with the child of his biggest client, and let him take them to the club.

“Just one nightcap, and then straight home,” promises Victor.


	6. A might too close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is told from Magnus' point of view. Back to normal for the following chapter!

 

Marie leads me into the ‘Copa’ club where she works, just in time for a quick drink ahead of her late set of the evening. It's a classy joint with white leather banquette seating. A five-piece band plays Latin music next to a bustling dance floor.

A waiter seats us at a prime table with a couple of menus but scoots away before I can order cocktails. Marie chatters about the decor and how lucky they were to snag the trumpet player for this month. I smile at her, doing the listening face, and thankfully she soon catches the eye (no surprise there!) of a waiter who brings over two house cocktails.

A young voice whines at his date at the next table along from us. I can't see them without turning round, but I can hear him clearly and imagine the privileged youngster.

“Oh, come on, drink up. You're still on your first one!” he's saying.

“Victor, your mother is going to be terribly worried about you. Now, what do you say we pour you into a cab and get you home, huh?” suggests a very smooth voice, clearly trying to stay calm.

“You know something? You are being very uncooperative,” says the kid. That was a big word.

“Oh, really!?” comes the reply.

“Come on, Alec, finish your drink - it's very nourishing,” and wait, did he say Alec?

“Will you stop trying to get me drunk?”

“Drunk? I'll have you know a Harvard man never resorts to getting someone drunk… except in an emergency. Hic! And you, Mr Lightwood, are an emergency.”

_\-- “Wait, he said Mr Lightwood! Alec Lightwood, well what d'you know?!”_  
_\-- “I really want to look now but easy does it, can't be seen staring…”_

“Uggh! Alright, Victor, you can stay till AA comes for you, but I am leaving,” and with that he stands up from the table.

Baby-face looks desperate now and says, “No wait! Just one dance!” He holds up his arms to start a Merengue, and pops out the puppy eyes as best he can. Standing up quickly was certainly tricky for him after three quick cocktails.

“Just one dance, and then we'll go home - I promise.”

“I don't believe you,” deadpans Lightwood.

“Scouts’ Honour!” swears the lad and I have to turn my head to hide a snort at the irony of that one.

I have to turn back again though, to be able to admire the sight of those long legs dancing as they begin to move on the dancefloor. So tall! His date looks tiny by comparison, but then so do most of the other dancers.

_\-- “So that's the other end of your Party Line?”_

A spin, eye contact.

_\-- “How are you gonna get on friendly terms with that?”_

 

“Anythin' wrong, darlin'?” interrupts Marie.

“No,” I answer and then, remembering I'm on a date, I turn back to face her fully across the table, “No! Everything's just fine!”

I check my watch as we hold hands across the table and remind her, “Shouldn't you be getting into your costume?”

“Aww! It's not much to get into, honeylamb!” drawls Marie.

“Oh, I know," I grin at her, "but, I want you to look especially nice tonight?”

“And I want you, too!” she says as she finally leaves me for the backstage area.

  
_\-- "Magnus my boy, you haven't got a chance. The minute you tell him who you are, you're done for."_

The redhead stands at the doorway blowing me a kiss, and I wave at her. But, remembering her accent gives me an idea;

_\-- "Although, maybe you don't have to tell him… honeylamb!"_

  
Ah! The cut of his suit is just exquisite. He's elegant, and handsome too. He's totally outclassing his young date - clearly uncomfortable and bored with him. And who can blame him with those corny, desperate lines!

The Latin dancing is quite upbeat, and after an especially sharp turn, Snot-nose appears dizzy and seems to ask Alec if would he mind sitting this one out now? Alec readily agrees so he can rush back to the table and get the check.

"Of course, we really should be getting home anyway…" (turns back to see Victor has sat down on the dancefloor and looks to be going for a nap)

Alec, embarrassed, looks round to see who's noticed this nonsense and we make eye contact again.

I rush over to offer assistance, “Excuse me, sir,” I drawl in a thick Texan accent.

Alec stares at me, open-mouthed, and I momentarily panic that the accent was a touch too strong to be believable, but decide to bite the bullet and keep it going… keep talking slow, drawl it out like syrup...

"Reckon it gotta might too close in here for your pardner?"

Alec suggests we call over some waiters to help the lad.

“Aw, shucks, no need! Come on boy, ups a daisy!” I heave the drowsy lad onto my shoulder in a fireman's lift. His weight is no worse than Simon's when we were at college together.

“I can't tell you how embarrassing this is, Mr...uh…?”

_\-- “Quick! A name!!”_

I offer my spare hand to shake whilst desperately making up a name on the spot, “Stetson, sir. I'm Rex Stetson. And there's no call to be embarrassed, sir!"

“Thank you Rex! I'm afraid he's had too much to drink,” Alec continues.

"We have a saying in Texas, sir, 'Never drink anythin’ stronger ‘n you are. Or older.’ I reckon we'd better get your boyfriend home,” fishing, everso subtle.

"Oh, he's not my boyfriend. No, his mother is a client of mine."

"A client? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an interior decorator. He was driving me home and insisted on stopping for a drink."

"Don't tell me this young man was trying to force his attentions on ya? If there's one thang I can't stand it's people who try to take advantage of others. We'd make short work of his kind back in Texas, I can tell ya.”

I carry Victor outside, over my shoulder and we pour the lad into a taxi for Scarsdale.

“Drive 'em real slow, an’ set 'em down real easy, pardner!” I quip to the driver as I pay him.

 

“Well, I guess I'll take young Master Aldertree's car home and he can collect it from me tomorrow,” ponders Alec.

“It's late. I'd feel a lot better if you'd let me see you home?” I ask.

"If you like? This is it," pointing at Victor's sportscar.

"This bitty thing? Why, back home we've got Jack-rabbits bigger ‘n this!"

Alec squeezes himself into the cabin.

"How do you get into this thing?" I wonder aloud.

"It's a bit tricky! I think you might need to put your right leg in first? And, now sit down," suggests Alec.

"Where?!" I squeeze myself in, and my head pushes up into the soft-top roof but my left leg is still out on the road.

"Can't you get your other leg in?" asks Alec.

"I sure hope so, I'd hate to leave without it,” A big breath in, and I swing my leg up and slam the door shut - but the leg is left hanging over the windowsill, swinging in the air outside the car.

"Can you drive?" asks Alec, solicitous.

"Well I think I can manage the steering, but somebody else will have to work the pedals!"

"I think we should call a cab."

"I think so too!" I agree as we both struggle to get out of the tiny car. "Though, first we might have to call the Automobile Club to help get me out of this thang!!" We laugh very happily at each other over the tiny car roof.


	7. I always keep tomorrow night open

 

 

In the back of the cab, Alec ponders the profile of this handsome gent who had so drastically improved his evening.

“You looked so funny!” laughs Alec.

“Ha! There wasn't a thang I could do!”

 _\-- "What a marvellous-looking man! I wonder if he's single?"_ thinks Alec.

 _\-- "I don't know how long I can get away with this act, but he's sure worth a try,”_ thinks 'Rex’.

_\-- "Well don't just sit there, make some casual conversation!"_

“A lovely evening isn't it?" comments Alec, chattily.

"Yessir! It sure is!"

"You married?"

 _\-- "You idiot!!"_ thinks Alec.

_\-- "Uh oh…"_

"No, sir," says Magnus.

_\-- "This may take some fancy broken-field running..."_

"Gosh!" looking out of the cab at all the skyscrapers, "All these buildings filled wi' people - it kinda scares a country boy like me, you know it?"

_\-- "Aww isn't that sweet? So unpretentious and honest. What a relief after a couple of monsters like that Victor Aldertree and ugh Magnus Bane!"_

 

•••••

 

"Would you like to come in for some coffee?" asks Alec, not wanting the night to end.

"Oh! No, no, I ain't used to these hours! Why, back home we'd be just about getting up now! It's been a real pleasure, Mr Lightwood."

"Well, goodnight," they say as they shake hands and Rex turns to leave.

_\-- "Don't let him leave without your phone number, ya goof! You might never see him again!"_

"Mr Stetson!"

"Yes?"

"Seeing as how you're all alone in New York… well, if I can be of any assistance, my number is Plaza 22748.”

“22748? I'll remember that! Bye!”

“Bye!”

_\-- "I'd say oh, 5, or 6 dates ought to do it."_

_\-- "Ah! It's so nice to meet a man you feel you can trust."_

 

•••••

 

Alec is lying in bed thinking about how the evening went.  
_\-- "He obviously respected you: he didn't even try to kiss you."_  
_\-- "Or maybe you just don't appeal to him?"_  
_\-- "He didn't write your number down."_  
_\-- "Uggh, why didn't you think to ask where he was staying?"_

The phone at Alec's bedside rings.

"Hello?"

"Hullo, this is Rex Stetson."

"Oh, hello!"

"I hope I didn't wake ya up?"

"Not at all!"

"Well, I was just lying here thinkin' about your generous offer to call ya, in case there was anything I needed?"

"Uh huh?"

"Well, I need to go out to dinner tomorrow night, and I sure would enjoy seein’ a friendly face across the table. Of course, if you're goin’ to be busy tomorrow night…"

"Oh no, I always keep tomorrow night open. I mean I hadn't - I hadn't planned a thing."

 

Magnus taps the receiver a few times to ‘interrupt’ the conversation and shouts, “Hello, hello! Is there anybody on this line?”

“Yes! I am on the line, would you please get off it?!” replies Alec.

“Alright, but you're on my half-hour!”

 

"Ooh! Rex, Rex, are you there?"

"Yessir, but who was that?"

Alec settles back into bed, plumping pillows vigorously, "Oh, my party line: a horrible little man!"

"He sure isn't very well-mannered," Magnus has to smother a giggle.

"Well-mannered? He isn't even worth talking about!" getting cosy once more in his bed, Alec breathes to calm himself, "Now, what were you saying?"

"I'll be stoppin’ by about 7.30?"

"Alright, that'll be fine."

“Uh, Alexander? ... I’ve never been much on makin’ fancy speeches, but I - I get a nice warm feelin’ being near ya, ya know. It's like- like bein’ round a pot-bellied stove on a frosty mornin’.”

"Aww, what a lovely thing to say! Good night Rex!"

"Good night."

 _\-- "‘...like a pot-bellied stove on a frosty morning’ - mmmm, he does like you!"_ thinks Alec as he snuggles into the bed, feeling warm all over.

 

•••••

 

Once more, the phone rings. Alec purrs, "Hello?"

"Mr Lightwood? Magnus Bane."

Alec throws the phone handset down on the bed in disgust.

"Hello! Hello!"

"Yes!?" says Alec after retrieving the handset.

"I couldn't help overhearing part of your conversation."

“I'm sure you couldn't,” gritted out Alec.

“And, sharing a phone together,” continues Magnus in an overbearing tone, “I feel a certain responsibility for you. Now look, take my advice: don't go out with that man tomorrow night, he's a phoney. Of course, it's none of my business…”

"Oh, that's right, Mr Bane, it is none of your business."

"Ok. Only don't let that yokel act fool you! This Ranch-hand Romeo's just trying to lure you into the nearest barn."

“Don't judge other people by yourself,” states Alec firmly.

“Alright! If you won't take a friendly warning… but I can tell you exactly what he'll do tomorrow night. He'll take you to dinner, some dancing, and then he'll find some excuse to stop off at his hotel room for a moment. And that, Mr Lightwood, is where the pay-off comes.”

“Good night Mr Bane,” interrupts Alec through gritted teeth, slapping the phone receiver back on it's stand.

“Ooh!” he sighs and mutters to himself as he settles back into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This video clip shows much of this chapter from the original film, if anyone would like to watch it?  
> ‘The deception begins’ -  
> https://youtu.be/MPyHAsdnX7Q


	8. Livin’ in Bear Country

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Alec is suspicious of Rex's intentions.

The next evening, Rex is driving Alec through the city.

 

"Well this is it," announces Rex, looking up at a hotel building beside the road.

"This is what?"

"My hotel. You don't mind if we stop off for a bit, do ya? To get my coat? It's gettin’ chilly out!"

_\-- "Uh-oh, the pay-off…"_

 

"One thang you gotta give New York- nice big hotel rooms!" chatters Rex as he comes into the room. "Mighty comfortable beds!" as he sits and bounces on the bed, hiding his smirk by turning his face away from Alec.

Alec looks on, stony-faced.

"Come on over here!" suggests Rex as he stands again.

Alec walks nearer, ready to reject Rex.

"Now," gentles Rex as Alec gets close enough and he turns to show his guest the window… "mighty romantic, ain't it?" He pauses a while so they can take in the moonlit view, then moves to grab his coat and scarf.

 

“Well, let's go!”

"You really came up here for your coat!" exclaims Alec, amazed.

"What did you think I came up here for?"

"Well I thought…" Alec looks embarrassed now to even think of the idea, "I thought you brought me up here to…"

"Oh no sir!" Rex manages to look both appalled at the idea, and concerned for Alec's usual dates.

"Rex, I should've known that you're not like others, but I had to make sure. Can you forgive me?"

“Of course, I guess I can't blame ya. Livin’ in bear country, it's bound to make ya wonder about strange caves.”

 

•••••

 

"This way, Alexander. We're going for a drive, back-home-style!" and Rex points at a waiting horse and carriage.

Alec and Rex sit on the driver's bench whilst the driver settles doubtfully in the carriage, after a hushed conversation between them and a bundle of cash changing hands.

"Ahh, you know somethin'? Whenever I want to feel close to home, the only thang that helps is gettin’ behind a horse."

_\-- "There's something so wholesome about a man that loves animals."_

\-- _"I hope this stupid horse knows where it's going."_

 _\---- "He hangs onto the reins like a subway strap!"_ thinks the ex-carriage driver, _"I don't know what he's up to but I'm sure glad that ain't my son…"_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A [deleted scene](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19077643/chapters/45322042/) from the original film is available now on the Special Features section.
> 
> It fits in between chapters 8 & 9


	9. Bathtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Rex have had a great week.

Alec is enjoying his morning bath, remembering back over a lovely busy week of showing Rex the city, when the phone rings on the table next to him. He shakes the worst of the bubbles off his hand and answers it.

“Hello?”

“Mornin’ Mr Lightwood, this is Rex.”

“Oh, good morning, Rex!”

“Sir, you done did a terrible thang to me…”

“Oh?”

“You made me glad I ain't in Texas!”

“Haha! Have I?”

“Mhmmm, every time I look at you I say to myself, 'We got all kinds of nat’ral resources back home, but we ain't got **nothin’** like that!’”

“Hahaha! Oh, Rex…!” (he puts his foot up against the wall as he thinks fondly of Rex)

“Mhmmm. Tell ya somethin’ else, too. I kinda hated New York when I first came here. All those people, they seemed so distant n’ all. Don't feel that way now…” (he puts his foot up against the wall as he gets creative with the story).

“Aww, that's good!”

“Sure turned out to be a friendly town!”

“Hmm, you'll find that most people are willing to meet you halfway. If you let them.”

 

After a pause, Rex pushes, “Am I gonna see you tonight?”

“Oh, I'd love to Rex, but I already have a date.”

“Who with?”

“A client. You don't know him. Simon Lewis.”

 

Magnus sits up in his bath, thinking quickly.

 

"O' course, you ain't the kinda guy who would break a date," comments 'Rex'.

“No, I'm not.”

“And I ain't the kinda guy who'd ask you to.”

“I know you're not.”

“I'll pick you up at 8.”

“I'll be ready.”

 

•••••

 

"Oh what a day! Good morning Dot, isn't it a beautiful day?”

"Don't go by me, I haven't seen it yet…" grumbles Dot, as Alec raises the blinds in the kitchen, "...Okay," grimacing, "I'll take your word for it."

 

"So, he must be pretty special if you'd break a date for him?"

"He is," agrees Alec with a happy eyebrow waggle.

"What's he like?" smiles Dot at her friend.

"6 feet tall, handsome, intelligent, owns a mountain..."

"Well don't just stand there makin' with the toast! Go get him!”

"What?!"

"6 feet of opportunity doesn't come along every day, you know!"

"Oh, Dot, I hardly know the man."

"Takes only one sip to tell if it's a good bottle," mutters Dot.

Alec smiles softly, "This is a good bottle"

"Well, what are you waitin' for? Drink up!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll never tire of the thought of Doris Day flinging open the curtains and declaring "What a Day!"


	10. Prairie dogs and stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out about Rex

Alec is visiting Simon at his office. He'd requested instructions on exactly how to use the new blinds, but Alec knew that really, he's going to be fishing for information.

 

"Alec answer me! Tell me why did you break our date? You're going out with somebody else, right?" badgers Simon.

"Right,” smirks Alec.

"That's a terribly cruel thing to say! Who is he, what's his name?"

"Rex Stetson. He's visiting here from Texas."

"Texas?! Oh, how could you ever fall in love with a tourist?"

"I dunno, I just did!"

"You admit it? You just said it! You love him!"

"I did, didn't I?"

"As many times as I'll be married," rants Simon, "I'll never understand love. What a blow to the psyche, to be rejected for a cowboy."

 

"Alec, if you marry him you'll have to live out there! You can't live in Texas!" Simon stands ands strides across to his office window. He points down at the streets, "Look at that! New York! People jostling, milling, shoving, struggling, fighting for their lives! And you're a part of it! In Texas there's nothing but a bunch of prairie-dogs and stuff! And even the air out there: there's nothing in it but air!! In New York you've got air you can sink your teeth into: it has character. Alec, you can't live in Texas!"

"Oh, Simon! We haven't even talked about… marriage!"

"Yeah, but there's that look in your eye. I've been married often enough to know when someone's **willing** to talk about it."

"Do I look willing?" asks Alec, unable to stop smiling.

"You look absolutely disgusting," pouts Simon. Alec bends and kisses Simon's cheek.

Simon relents a little. "Aw! You know me, I just want you to be happy. If it's Rex Stetson you want, I hope it's Rex Stetson you get."

 

•••••

 

Simon is on his office telephone, "All I know is, his name's Rex Stetson and he's from Texas. You're the detective agency! Find him!”

“You helped me get divorced three times - now let's see if you can help me get married once?!"

 

•••••

 

Magnus visits Simon in his office to deliver three of the new songs.

 

"Leave them on my desk, I need to go!"

"Where are you going?"

"You remember that guy I told you about - Alec?”

"Who?"

"Alec, the one with the party line with the nut?"

"Oh, yeah! What about him?"

"Well, he meets this stupid cowboy from Texas, of all places, and he falls for him!"

“How do you know?” demands Magnus, grabbing Simon's arm.

"He told me so. But don't worry! I'll break it up."

"You will?"

"Yeah!" says Simon, proudly.

"How?"

"Leave it me. I don't know how fast he moves, but it takes an early bird to get the best of a worm like me."

 

•••••

 

The phone rings and Alec picks up his kitchen extension.

 

"Hello?"

"Lightwood?" asks Magnus, brusquely, "Magnus Bane."

"Huh, look I am in a hurry Mr Bane, so if you don't mind…"

"Of course. But before you hang up, just admit I was right?"

"About what?"

"Your Western gentleman! He turned out to be a prairie wolf, didn't he?”

“Mr Bane! This may come as a shock to you, but there are some men who don't end every sentence with a proposition.”

“Oh come on! You mean he didn't try to get you up to his hotel room?” wheedles Magnus.

“Yes, he took me to his hotel room,” answers Alec smoothly and calmly.

"Ah-hah…"

"He showed me Central Park. And then we left," says Alec with considerable pleasure.

"And nothing else!?"

“Nothing!” insists Alec smugly.

"Hmmm! That's even worse than I thought."

"Worse! What d'ya mean, 'Worse'?"

"Oh well, uh… must I spell it out? Either you're not telling the truth or, uh…"

“Or what!??” demands Alec.

“Well, there are some men who just… well, they only swing one way, if you get my meaning."

'I beg your pardon?"

"Maybe he just doesn't like men that way? Folk are 'mighty friendly' down South, after all."

 

"What a mean thing to say!" exclaims Alec.

 

"Oh, I hope I'm wrong, but don't you think you'd better make sure?" questions Magnus.

 

•••••

 

A private detective is showing Simon some surveillance pictures.

"No, this isn't Rex Stetson, this is…" realisation dawns, "my Best Friend!!!" he shouts.

"Yup, they're usually the ones," agrees the gleeful detective, "And we have a lead! Get your coat Mr. Lewis! He and the gentleman are headed to a piano bar known as Taki's."

"Then, let's go!"

 

"I should've listened to my psychiatrist," mutters Simon as they leave, "he **told** me never to trust anyone but him!"

 


	11. Roly Poly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter and the following one, Meliorn is going to tell us what happened on Alec's date with Rex.
> 
> He was the singer/pianist at Taki's that night and I imagine he's sat at the piano in another Bar, finishing his drink, and telling this story to his Bartender friend who is sweeping up after hours.  
> Turns out, Meliorn is mighty loquacious after a free Scotch.

  
My Friday night gig at Taki's was shaping up well, Rosa was in good form on the drums and Heath was his usual steady self on bass.

The crowd were happy to be out, spending money and humming tunes. And yet it was never **too** crowded. You know, that's something I like about Taki's. I guess a lot of folk see the front of it and think "Nope, I ain't goin' in there!" But inside it's real friendly, and cosy in a worn, classy kind of way. (Meliorn's bartender friend nods)

And the piano is gorgeous!

But not as gorgeous as my waistcoat, naturally! I had on the forest green one that night, you know the one that's a leaf-patterned brocade? Paired with the fern-leaf tie that Violetta found for me last year, I was knocking 'em dead!

So, yeah, that Friday I was sat at Taki's piano, playing the usual mix of blues and humming ballads for the folks in The Pursuit of Love, when I noticed Alec arriving. He's a regular. He's often in with his reprobate family and he has a nice baritone if I can persuade him to use it.

But this time he had a date along with him, a guy who's almost more gorgeous than Alec himself. I know! Well, we are each gorgeous in our own ways. But these two have a lot more ways than some others. Elegant, yeah, but with the build and the cheekbones to back it up, you know? Ah, The Great Life Lottery of Genetics.

They seemed to know each other well. But still in the early phase: I'd estimate 5 dates, but over a short time. Lots of little touches and eye contact, but not quite totally comfortable. No sex, then. Yet! You get to recognise the signs, eh, working as we do?

Alec spotted me and came over to grab two prime piano-bar seats whilst the date guy went to the bar. We nattered a bit about his sister (you know her: Izzy! The same stunning eyes and raven black hair, but shorter and way more gutsy?) and he told me about his date. Maybe gushed would be a better word? I've not seen him like that before over a guy. Sweet!

So! LoverBoy comes back with the drinks, a bright cocktail with two umbrellas for Alec and a pint of frothy beer for himself. He smiled so softly at Alec as he sat down: it was tooth-rottingly sweet. Then he grabbed the nearest bowl of peanuts and starts tossing them up into his mouth like he's in some sports bar, and Alec was staring between him, the peanuts, the cocktail and the pint, like it was some weird game of mixed doubles. He looked almost appalled. Maybe, disappointed? Weird, like I say.

Anyway, we got into the next tune which was a more bouncy number and I left them to it for a while, they seemed to be talking some.

Next, we started up on a Taki's favourite, 'Roly Poly' and Alec caught my eye as he nudges his date to tell him, "Oh, you'll really like this one!"

You know the one, it goes;

 _There's a guy in this old town,_  
_I'm tellin' you a fact._  
_He measures five feet up and down,_  
_And five feet front and back._

 _He's a Roly Poly Baby,_  
_Pleasin' as they come._  
_He's a Roly Poly Baby,_  
_A Ton of Fun!_

Well now, like I say, everybody likes that one and people were singing and clapping along to it from the first chorus!

 _They call him;_  
_Ya Ya Roly Poly!_  
_Ya Ya Roly Poly!_

And so on. For the next verse, I offered the score to Alec with a "Mr Lightwood, you know this one!", dumping him right in it so he couldn't refuse.

His date said, "Come on, Alexander, sing it!"

I know, right?! 'Alexander', just like that, with a sexy drawl just like he was in that old film with Rhett Butler.

So Alec sang;

 _When I first laid eyes on him,_  
_I laughed just like the rest._  
_But the more I saw of him,_  
_The more I liked him best._

 _Gotta a Roly Poly baby,_  
_Point to him with pride!_  
_He's my Roly Poly baby,_  
_I'm satisfied!_

_I call him..._

Well! LoverBoy could barely take his eyes off 'Alexander', and who could blame him? His eyes shone, he blushed so pretty, he smiled so cute as he sang, and he kept making out that he was singing about LoverBoy, pointing at him and so on.

In the chorus they started doing a thing where they clapped each other's hands and it should've been nauseating but no.  
So cute!

It didn't take much persuasion at all to get another verse out of him, with LoverBoy as his adoring audience;

 _Just to get my arms around him,_  
_Takes about a week._  
_But when I get my arms around,_  
_We cuddle cheek-to-cheek!_

(and wouldn't you believe it, they pressed themselves cheek-to-cheek, right there by my piano!)

 _Got a Roly Poly baby,_  
_Sweet as apple pie._  
_He is just a Roly Poly,_  
_But! So am I!_

LoverBoy stepped in with the call for the chorus, drawl-singing, "I call him…"  
But agh, I can't do the accent justice. Such a slow, deep, soft drawl. Yum!

Well in that last chorus they were giggling too much to manage any clapping rhythm at all and messed up real bad, which had them giggling even more…

And then LoverBoy didn't notice that the end of the song had come and kept on singing the 'Ya Ya, Roly, Poly' line by himself - there's always one! That just had them laughing again, and then…

Well I don't know what happened next 'cos I was playing a tricky new number, but they seemed to chatter on, quite cosy.

After that one, we took a breather a little and I overheard LoverBoy answering some question of Alec's with a, "Oh no, I leave that kinda thang to my Aunt Judy!" and Alec was back to looking weird again. His crest was fallen. Disappointed, yup.

He took LoverBoy's hand and asked him, "Rex?" - turns out that was his name, Rex - "Don't you find me attractive?"

Well, naturally now I was fascinated so I listened in without being too obvious… I started up on that gentle song you like, you know the one with the long bluesy intro?

"Why yessir, of course," answered Rex, trying to be reassuring.

"Then, why haven't you ever…" Alec trailed off.

"Ever... what?" prompted Rex.

"I'm sorry, I feel so foolish!"

"Well no, now go ahead. What's on your mind?"

"Well, in all the times that we've been going out together…" started Alec and puttering out.

"Mhmmm…"

"You've been a perfect gentleman."

"Oh, I hope I have!" said Rex, still not getting the hint.

“Oh you have!” reassured Alec quickly, “Oh and I appreciate it, Rex, I really do. But…”

“Yes… ” prompts Rex again as Alec looked like he was feeling too awkward to say what came next.

"Well, being such a perfect gentleman and all, it's…,” Alec smiled and finally raised his eyes to meet Rex's questioning gaze, and spelled it out for this Rex, “it's not very flattering.”

“Oh w- well, I wouldn't want to do anythang that might spoil our friendship!?” said Rex, looking a bit shy himself now.

“Is that all it is with us?” asked Alec looking Rex in the eye, “Friendship?”

Yup, finally Alec had asked him, 'straight-out’. Well Ha! not all that straight, haha!

And then, Rex met Alec's eyes, took a moment and said, "Sir, that's a direct question. I think it deserves a direct answer." He didn't drop eye contact at all and... gives Alec a kiss.

Huh! Well, by now the song had got to the tricky part, so I looked away again as I was crooning;

 _I need no rocket ship,_  
_No trip to the moon!_

And then I looked up at them again cos they'd gone quiet, and darn it if they aren't still kissing, fit for a couple of movie stars, right there at my piano, in the middle of Taki's.

I know!! If only we'd had some strings to swell!

Now, can you blame us, we lost the beat of the number for a while there, but we hopped back to it quick 'cos we're professionals. I don't think anyone else noticed. For sure, them two didn't notice!

So they pulled away from the kiss looking a bit dazed. Seemed like that was their first kiss, and it sure was a doozy. Alec said "I'm going to the Moon… uh, I mean, the john," and kind of stumbled off.

And now for the real interesting part! (His bartender friend raises an eyebrow.)

to be continued...  


 

**End Note:**

In the original film version here Doris Day says, "I'm going to the Powder Moon… uh, I mean, the Powder Room," and I'm sad cos that's sweet punnage. But thanks to SH discord colleagues (😙😘) from the USA, I now know that in the 1950s the 'Powder Room' would've been a strictly female term.

I mean, we all know that canon!Taki's would have a gender-neutral bathroom.

Probably even a species-neutral bathroom.  
Now there's a fic idea!...


	12. You Hound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meliorn continues to tell the story of the night in Taki's.  
> After this, we'll be back to the usual narrator for the remainder of the fic.  
> Video links for chapters 11 and 12 can be found at the end of this chapter.

Next, a couple of fellows in trench-coats came into the bar and they seemed to be looking for someone. Never seen two guys look more like private detectives than these two!

Soon they pointed at LoverBoy and muttered to each other. The shorter one of the two holds the other one back and says something like, "I can handle it from here."

He walks up behind LoverBoy and asks in a menacingly John Wayne kind of tone, "Need a light, cowboy?" holding out a lighter. Rex startled hard but he soon set his face right again and made use of the lighter.

"When you headin’ back to the range, Tex?" this guy asked him, with his dreadful cowboy drawl.

"That's up to you," said Rex quietly. But not so quiet I couldn't hear him, and wait for it! ... Now, Rex has a New York accent, plain as day!

Cowboy guy stopped with the silly accent, and said in a normal voice - but still talking tough, "You got two minutes. We'll do this nice and clean so no-one's embarrassed," and now I was worried we had some mob stuff going down in the bar! But the guy doesn't have the vibe so I just kept an ear on them, real careful like.

  
"When he gets back, you'll say goodbye, get him a cab. Then you'll go home and you'll pack."

"Where am I going?" asked Rex, no fight in him at all, resigned.

"Connecticut. My summerhouse is perfect for writing songs: no phone and twenty miles to the nearest guy or girl," - see, it really didn't sound like the mob, eh? The Broadway Mob maybe?!

"Looks like I haven't much choice?" said Rex.

"Sure looks like it," agreed the guy, all smug, and made to leave the bar before Alec could get back to his seat, "Remember, I'll be watching you."

Fascinating, huh?

  
•••••

 

Alec returned and sat with Rex again. If that's even his name. 'Cos when he greeted Alec he was back to the sultry Texan accent!

“You know, I'm sure gonna miss you, leavin’ New York an’ all,” he said.

"You're leaving? When?" demanded Alec.

"Tonight - have to mosey on up to Connecticut. Didn't I tell you?"

"No! No you didn't."

"Well, this friend of mine, a business associate, has a house up there n’ practic'ly forced me to use it. I just couldn't refuse him."

What in all the hells, eh? I know!!

"Why must you…" asked Alec.

"Well, I may be buyin’ the place and I kinda wanted to get the feel of it," said Rex, and I think I'm beginning to see his game.

To say my lips were pursed by now would be an understatement. Is that different from a lie? Well. That's okay then.

"Oh. How long will you be away?" asked Alec.

"The weekend. It's gonna be mighty lonely up there," said Rex and he started to look like he was thinking hard about something. "Alexander? I don't suppose you'd consider…" he trailed off, letting poor Alec catch the bait.

"Consider what?" asked Alec, smiling.

"No, I'm afraid I couldn't ask you that," and here he had the gall to look embarrassed.

"Don't be afraid, ask me!" said Alec, that sweet lamb.

"Well I…" he looked Alec in the eye bravely, but then looked away, shamefaced, "Oh no, Alexander, it wouldn't be proper!" really hamming up the Southern Belle act, something awful. I hoped he'd gone too far there and Alec would see through him, but it seems Alec's brain cells were still enjoying that kiss, 'cos…

"Oh Rex! We're both over twenty-one!" he said, perfectly reasonable, "I mean… well, I certainly should be able to trust you by now?" Aggh so sweet, it was all I could do not to grab him and spill the beans!

Rex looked happier then and bravely asked, "Alexander, if I sent you home in a taxi how long d’you think it would take you to get packed up?"

“'Bout an hour," said Alec.

“Forty-five minutes?” countered Rex.

“We're wasting time!” said Alec, smiling beautifully at Rex.

 

  
They stood to leave the bar, all excited and smiling small smiles. As Rex helped Alec on with his coat, I started up with an intro on the piano.

I tried to catch LoverBoy's eye and began the lyrics of that mournful old number. Rex hadn't seem to register the song at first, but as soon as I sang;

 _You lied, you dog,_  
_And you'll be sorry. Uh-huh_

he turned and looked me straight in the eye. I could see he was worried I was giving the game away. But Alec wasn't listening to me - for sure, he was already mentally packing his pyjamas.  
And as I sang on, I got to thinking about how happy they'd looked and … I just couldn't do it! I let the song carry me away...

 _You lied, you hound,_  
_and that's not fair._

By now, I'm positively smiling about the idea of Alec enjoying that quiet shack in far Connecticut and having all those kisses on a sheepskin rug in front of a roaring log-fire and…

Ahem!

Well! Suffice to say, I didn't 'Rat' on the 'Hound'.

But, I do worry…

Rex seemed to be good at picking up vibes 'cos as they were ready to leave he looked me straight in the eye for a second more. Then he… (and you won't believe this, I'm sure I don't!)  
He… he winked at me. Then turned, took Alec's hand, and they walked out.

He just... winked at me. Nice and slow. With the sweetest, most winning smile you ever did see. As though lying is no matter to those higher beings with cheekbones and honey eyes and fancy kisses. Hmmph.

So hot…

      (fades to the middle eight)

 

 

 **Music notes for the Taki's scenes:**  
Here's a video clip with the [Roly Poly scene](https://youtu.be/F2umX5T2Zs0) from the original film, which features the song in full, and [then a clip here](https://youtu.be/9XJRliF_IRA) concludes with Rex/ Rock Hudson's epic wink.

  
The singer who played Meliorn's part in the original Pillow Talk film was Perry Blackwell.

The song '[I need no Atmosphere](https://youtu.be/kivP3-RGQ-0)', no trip to the moon, and the song ['You Lied'](https://youtu.be/FXeOlkcQ6cA) can be heard in full on Ytube links.

  
Or [this iTunes link](https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/i-need-no-atmosphere-feat-perry-blackwell/736069816?i=736072129) has the full movie soundtrack so amongst all the others you can hear clips of / download track 28 'I need no Atmosphere' and also track 29, 'You Lied' - but be aware there are spoilers in some track titles!


	13. A Forest Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now back to the usual narrator.
> 
> Buckle up!

Alec is back at home packing a small case for the weekend, and he thinks to call Magnus Bane using the code 1700. Just to gloat…

 

"Hello!" answers Magnus.

"Mr Bane, just so you'll realise how wrong you are about Rex Stetson... he has just asked me to go away with him for the weekend."

"He didn't! Are you going?"

"Hmmm! That, Mr Bane, is something you'll never know,” replies Alec, coy.

 

Magnus replaces the phone with a small pleased smile that becomes a grin as he finishes packing his case. Magnus sings to himself, "You are my Inspiration, Al - ec…"

 

•••••

 

Simon appraises Magnus as he comes downstairs with his suitcase, "All set?"

"All set," nods Magnus, eyes downcast..

"Now, make sure you do plenty of scoring up there…" orders Simon, handing him a stack of music scores and all the pencils from Magnus’ work space, as well as the keys to the summerhouse.

“I'll do my best,” says Magnus, trying to look chastened rather than smirking.

"Well! Off you go!" says a cheery Simon.

 

•••••

 

Magnus has collected Alec and now they are in the car together, driving to Connecticut. Alec admires Rex's profile as he drives, and he thinks,

_\-- "Gosh, I feel guilty! I practically tricked him into taking me along. You know, you've gone out with a lot of men in your time, but this? This is the jackpot!"_

 

“You cold?” asks Rex, solicitously.

“No, it's wonderful,” answers Alec, as he snuggles up to Rex's side as he drives the car.

_\-- "If he only knew what I was thinking!"_

 

As they drive, Alec thinks of the song, '[Possess Me!](https://youtu.be/vQzY3dpM41U)' and perhaps hums along to it a little;

_Near to me!_

_When you are near to me,_

_My heart forgets to beat._

_Stars that shine,_

_Make dreams divine,_

_So, say you're mine,_

_And my darling -_

_Possess me!_

 

•••••

 

At Alec's apartment block that evening, Simon asks the doorman if he is at home, "I've been trying to call Mr Lightwood, but there's no answer?” queries Simon.

“Oh! He's just gone to Connecticut for the weekend," answers the doorman. "I have no telephone number, but I do have a forwarding address?”

“Is it 241, Alicante Road?”

“Yes, sir, it is.”

“And you didn't stop him?!!”

“It wasn't my place, sir!”

“No, it's my place! And **I** helped him pack!!”

Simon rushes to his car.

 

•••••

 

Rex and Alec are snuggled together on a comfortable couch by the log fire in Simon's Connecticut Summerhouse. They have opened some champagne to celebrate their arrival.

 

"Remember when I said that bein’ near you was like sittin’ by a pot-bellied stove?" asks Rex.

"Yes?" prompts Alec.

"I was wrong… It's more like a forest fire, burnin’ completely out of control," and Alec leans forward to meet his lips in a long kiss. They part enough to tilt chins a touch and extend the kiss.

As they part a little to smile at each other, Alec says, "You know something? Out here in the country, you're very different.”

"I reckon I feel more at home, for the first time."

“A man who owns a mountain doesn't belong in the big city?" suggests Alec, fondly.

"Mm-mmm," and there follows an innumerable series of kisses. Alec begins to feel that things are going a little too fast and pulls away just a fraction, sitting up straighter.

 

"The fire's nearly out," says Rex. "I'd better get some more logs… for later," and he kisses Alec again before heading to the door.

On his way to the door, Magnus has a moment of panic as he spots the rough sheet music for 'Inspiration’ laid on the table. It's the copy he ‘composed’ during his evening with Marie. He grabs it and tucks it inside his heavy coat whilst Alec isn't looking.

“Hurry back!” calls Alec.

“Quicker 'n a cow-poke chasin' a chuck-wagon,” replies Rex.

 

Alec wanders about admiring the rustic decor. He's feeling cold so he grabs up Rex’s warm coat to wear over his shoulders. The score falls out & he picks it up.

Fascinated, Alec takes the score over to the piano, sets the sheets down, and begins, inexpertly, to pick out the notes on the piano.

_La la la la la la lah la lah_

His face falls as thinks he recognises the tune, playing the first line over again and again.

'Rex' returns with armfuls of logs & hums along with the tune absent-mindedly.

 

Horrified, they each turn to the other, then Alec jumps up and races past 'Rex' to get to his room, slamming the door.

He grabs his bags.

Magnus tries to explain as Alec storms back to the front door, but Alec won't let him speak.

"Alec, please!"

 

At just that moment, Simon has screeched up to his summerhouse and he flings open the front door. He's had a long time to plan his next words:

"Stop! His name isn't Rex Stetson, it's Magnus Bane!" announces Simon.

"I know that," says Alec, dully angry.

"He's a sneaky double-crossing rat!" continues Simon, on a roll.

"I know that, too. Will you please take me home?"

"O- of course!" agrees Simon.

 

"Bedroom problems?" Alec turns one last time to look at Magnus with loathing, "At least mine can be solved in one bedroom: you couldn't solve yours in a thousand!" He storms out to the waiting car.

Simon looks triumphant. "At least you could have had the decency to… to bring your own champagne," he mutters.

Magnus slumps down on the hearth with his arms still full of logs. He's made a big mistake here.

 

**Music note:**

The fateful moment at the piano is track 34 on [the soundtrack album](https://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/i-need-no-atmosphere-feat-perry-blackwell/736069816?i=736072129) but do remember there are mild spoilers in the titles there.


	14. The Great Bane

"Have you seen him?" demands Magnus when he arrives at Simon's office.

"No."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No! I've decided to give up on him, on the advice of my psychiatrist. Where have you been the last 3 days?"

"I stayed up there, working on the new songs."

"Oh! What have you got?!"

"I came up with this. And this!" Magnus takes scrumpled papers from his coat pockets and throws them onto Simon's desk, "I couldn't write a thing. I just sat there, feeling guilty."

“Guilty! You? I once saw you with 3 sisters at the same time, and you came up with some of your best songs. All of a sudden, why does one guy make you feel guilty?”

“I don't know, I just do,” says a glum Magnus, sitting at the windowsill.

 

“Woah! Woah! Well, what d'ya know? You're in love. The mighty tree has been toppled! For years I've been waiting for them to yell timber over you!”

"You could be right."

“You're damned right, I'm right! You love him… and he can't stand the sight of you,” adds Simon _gleefully_. “That's wonderful, that's what it is, it's wonderful.”

"Simon! How do I get him back?"

"You don't! That's the beauty of it: you suffer, and I get to watch!”

“There's got to be a way. There's got to!”

"What a delightful situation: the Great Bane, chopped down to size, floating down the river with the rest of us logs!” said Simon, the happiest he's been for weeks.

Magnus gives up on Simon's help and thinks it through, “When you want to get on friendly terms with someone, you're… - you’re nice to their dog!”

"No dog!" announces Simon, delighted.

“Alright, if there's no dog, then you're nice to their mother.”

"Milwaukee!" proclaims Simon.

“Well if worst comes to worst, you work on their maid,” explains Magnus.

“Dot?” says Simon, astounded at the idea, “You'd have **no** chance with her!”

“Dot!”

 

•••••

 

Magnus stands outside Alec's block of apartments that evening and bribes the doorman to point out Dot to him. He follows her to the bus stop on the corner.

“Excuse me, Ma'am? May I talk to you? My name is Magnus Bane, and I er-”

“Mr Bane!" interrupts Dot, "Of course! I'd know that voice anywhere!”

“You know me?”

She sings, "You are my Inspiration, Do-ot."

Magnus smiles and says, "Ah! The phone."

“I'm one of your most devoted listeners,” she assures him with a smirk.

“Why, thank you Ma'am!”

A bus pulls up and opens its doors. Dot shouts, "Beat it, pal" at the driver, before looking back and smiling sweetly at Magnus.

“Listen, it's chilly here," says Magnus, "couldn't we stop off somewhere to get a drink?”

"Oh, no, I don't usually… but well, just one, to be sociable…"

"I know a nice little bar, just down the street," suggests Magnus.

“I know a better one," says Dot, pulling on his arm to turn him towards the Hunter’s Moon.

 

•••••

 

“You ready for another one?” asks Dot, barely slurring her words. With no answer from the man resting his head on the bar table, she grabs his hair and pulls his head up so he can see her questioning face.

"No!" he answers. She places his head back down on the table, fairly gentle-like.

 

"Now let's take this problem from the beginning,” using her hands to count off the issues once she has her drink. “You're in love with ‘im… And you wanna win ‘im back… The first thing you gotta do is to get ‘im to talk to you."

She lifts his head to see his eyes again.

“Right?”

"Right."

She replaces his head on bar table.

 

“Now, it's really very simple. You've got an apartment. He decorates apartments. You hire him to do your place."

Dot continues, "Two people, decorating an apartment? That's pretty intimate! He's gotta talk to you!”

“And once **you** start talking,” she emphasises with a nudge to his arm, “it's only a matter of time!”

 

"Now remember, you hire him to decorate your apartment. Okay?"

She lifts his head once more.

"Okay."

She drops his head back onto the bar table.

"Happy?"

Dot lifts his head by the hair.

"Happy."

Dot drops his head back onto the bar table.

 

“Now! Would you care for a little snack of some kind?” offers the perfect hostess.

 

•••••

 

"Hi there, slugger," says Simon brightly as he mixes his family recipe hangover cure the next morning in Magnus' apartment. "This'll fix you up! How are you feeling?"

"Boy, I've had hangovers before, but this time uggh… even my hair hurts?"

"And you were going to get **her** drunk, huh?" giggles Simon.

"I stayed with her through a bottle of scotch, but I lost her halfway through the vodka."

"This'll make you feel better. It's got a lot of olive oil in it."

"Ugh!” Magnus staggers to get away from the proffered glass. “You know, the State Department could use her, in Moscow!"

"...and two raw eggs!" Simon reassures as he tries to give Magnus the glass once more.

"Ugh, go away!" demands Magnus.

 

"Didn't you find out anything from her?" sympathises Simon.

"All I remember is this voice swimming at me through the Scotch: You got an apartment… He decorates apartments… Right?" he puts his hand up to his scalp, gently.

"Right!”

 

"Say! That's an idea! What's the name of that place he works for?"

"Garroway's  - but Alec won't talk to you," Simon repeats with mounting glee.

"No, but Garroway will! You know the number?"

"Dial it will you?” begs Magnus, holding his head steady, “Not so loud! Dial it quietly!!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know you're old when: your own scalp winces in sympathy at the thought of that hungover-dialling.  
> So noisy!  
> Why so many 9's ????


	15. Garroway Interiors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucian the collaborateur.  
> Blink and you'll miss him, though - sorry to the big Luke fans out there 🐺

"Matilda!” calls out Mr. Lucian Garroway of the Garroway Interior Design Company, “When you get back from the Post office, call this err, Magnus Bane back and tell him he'll have to get another decorator to do his apartment.

“What?” exclaims Alec having overheard the instruction from his drawing table, “but you'll lose the commission!”

"Well yes, but I don't have the time and I can't ask you to take the job on, with the way you feel about him."

"It's not fair for you though!"

"Oh, I couldn't subject you to such a traumatic experience."

"Now that's silly! Look! Once I had the mumps: it wasn't very pleasant but I got over it. I look upon Magnus Bane like any other disease. I've had him, it's over, I'm immune to him."

"Alright Alec, if you think you can handle it, it's your decision!"

 

XxxxxxX

 

Dialling a number at his desk and smiling to himself, Lucian says, “Mr Bane? Garroway here. Yes, it worked. He's coming over!”

 

XxxxxxX

 

Magnus greets Alec at the door of his apartment, "Why Mr Lightwood! I was expecting Mr Garroway?"

"Mr Garroway is unavailable at this time. If you'd rather wait until he's free…?"

"Oh no, you'll do just fine! Do come in! It's just a little embarrassing."

"Mr Bane, I'm a professional decorator, and you are paying for my services," Alec presents him with a stiff, forced smile, "Now, what style did you have in mind?"

"Nothing really, I'm leaving that entirely up to you!”

“Mhmm.”

Magnus shows Alec around the space.

“And up here?” prompts Alec, standing at the foot of a spiral staircase.

“The bedroom,” Magnus answers sheepishly.

Alec purses his lips, and points to an unusual array of control switches by the large settee, “And these?”

“Light switches,” dismisses Magnus.

Alec moves to flick the switches, and Magnus rushes to stop him. “Oh, oh,  **just** light switches!”

“Mr Bane, if I'm to redo the apartment, I have to know what everything is for.”

Magnus reluctantly stops pulling on his arm, and Alec flicks the first switch. He notices a series of automated reactions around the apartment: the lights dim and a record-player starts playing a soft seductive tune. They exchange looks of revulsion and apologies.

Magnus grabs Alec's arm to pull him towards the fireplace. “And, this is the fireplace.”

“But, Mr Bane, I'd like to see what the other switch does!” He insists on flicking the second switch, and the centre of the large settee folds out to become a bed, complete with gold satin sheets and pillows. Now Alec is truly shocked.

“I can explain!” stammers out Magnus.

Alec needs no explanation, however, “Why redecorate? It's so functional for your purposes!”

 

“Not any more! That's why I want you to redecorate,” says Magnus, trying to get Alec to look him in the eyes. “That bed is the first thing I want you to get rid of. And anything else you think is in poor taste. I want you to think of this as somewhere that - well,  **you'll** feel comfortable in.”

"I'll keep that in mind," says Alec.

"Good! Well, you go right ahead, and I'll just be over here, doing  **my** work."

"I'm sorry Mr Bane! Once we get started, you'll have to move out - and stay away till we're finished."

"Move out?!" and now Magnus looks upset and worried. This messes with The Plan.

“The staff are going to be working here! You'll just be in the way,” dismisses Alec.

"But there might be things that you want to ask me about?"

"On a job such as this, Mr Bane, you'll have to give me carte blanche."

Magnus gives in, defeated, “Alright I'll leave. Just - just do the place the way you'd like it.”

“Oh, I will,” Alec reassures Magnus.

 

XxxxxxX

 

"Oh Matilda!" says Alec to the assistant when he's back at Garroway's, "Call these shops and tell them I'll be coming by to pick up a few things will you?"

Matilda looks at the scribbled list that Alec had handed her, and says, "But Mr Lightwood, we don't deal with any of these shops? Don't you know what their stuff is like?"

"You bet I do! You should have seen That Man's apartment. He's got it down to a science! He pushes a button and the couch becomes a bed. Complete with gold satin sheets!"

"Really?" Matilda says, intrigued.

"Him, acting so embarrassed, the big phoney. He's like a spider, and he expects  **me** to redecorate his web. Ha!"

XxxxxxX

Magnus sits at his settee with a phone, a large piece of paper and a pen.

“Eileen, it's Magnus… My dear! I wanted you to be the first to know... I've met someone and I plan to marry them... Oh but dear, no! You have everything to live for!”

"Carlos, it's Magnus... I wanted you to be the first to know…"

He concludes the conversation with, "Goodbye my dear," and crosses out another number on his list.

XxxxxxX

Still angry, Alec visits various suppliers who will help him to install the most gaudy and hideous decor he can muster for Magnus' apartment.

“No, no, not that vase, it's not nauseating enough.”

"Yes, that wallpaper will do for one wall. Now for the other wall, can you show me something just as busy - but in neon pink? Or a flock?"

“Yes this scarlet upholstery fabric and that style of mauve buttoning, but I also want it to have it edged with velour tassels. In orange.”

"In orange, Mr Lightwood?"

"In orange. Bright orange."

XxxxxxX

Meanwhile, Magnus makes his last call, “I wanted you to be the first to know…” and crosses out the last number.

Finally, he rips up the sheet of telephone numbers.

XxxxxxX

“Yes Mr Bane, your apartment will be ready for you in the morning. I have one final touch I want to add."

As he says that, Alec turns at his desk to admire a large, hideous statue of a two-headed monster.


	16. You were my Inspiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus gets to see the work done on his apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning. (but not enough to tag for)
> 
> This chapter contains a scene in which consent is neither sought, nor given. It is not a sexual scene, and the matter is treated as lightly as you might expect. If you're concerned about whether you want to read this, please check the end notes, which are not very spoilery.

 

Magnus and Simon rush to the apartment with his apartment keys that next morning, as soon as they heard it was all finished. They are fascinated to see how it has turned out. Magnus flourishes with the keys, ushers Simon to the door and pompously announces, “Behold, Simon, the work of a man in love…!”

Simon steps through the the door first, squeals and retreats immediately to hold Magnus back from the door. Shaking his head, he says, ”I hope you saved those telephone numbers?”

 

They have a horrified few minutes in the apartment where they take in the garish colours and clashing patterns. Ugliness, poor taste and discomfort are words that try to spring to mind.

There is a large boudoir-style settee, bead curtains next to it. Alec had also placed a huge pot-bellied stove in the living room, and next to it an incredibly uncomfortable looking wing-backed chair.

Simon sits down in it, to wince and try to take in the full horrors - but immediately jumps up again, shouting, “It bit me!”

 

Aghast at what he finds in the finished apartment, Magnus angrily storms out, over to the neighbouring building, and into Alec's apartment. He mutters as he goes;

\-- _"sure was the most expensive hideous tat I've ever seen"_

_\-- "well Magnus my sweet honeylamb,_ **_this_ ** _plan went well now, eh?"_

_\-- "and I can't remember a single one of those phone numbers…"_

_\-- "not that any of those folks could hold a handle to Alexander! Oh I really thought this was it, I thought he understood?"_

_\-- "arrgh!"_

_\-- “right here I am, now you are going to explain all of this, Alec…”_

 

He finds Alec lying in bed in his favourite blue pyjamas and says, "Right! Get your clothes on, we're going to go see my apartment."

"I've seen it!" says Alec, burying his head under the covers.

 

Magnus won't take no for an answer, however. He loses patience with this ridiculous man and his orange velour tassels, and scoops him, his pyjamas and his blanket up off the bed. Then he carries him all the way back to the hideous apartment where Alec is going to explain himself.

They pass Lorenzo in the lift, who simply moves the trailing blanket into the lift so that the doors can close, takes them down to the foyer and then watches them leave without saying a thing.

They pass Dot, arriving for work, and although Alec asks her to call the police, Dot also says nothing.

Alec sees that he is going to be taken outside and hides his face with the blanket.

  


_\-----_

 

Lorenzo watches as lovely Dot steps into the waiting lift and girds her loins for the dreadful journey, as always. She holds onto the rail and fixes him with a glare that says “I dare ya!”

Lorenzo feels bold after watching Magnus, and he fixes his jaw ready for the journey. They travel at the maximum speed to Alec's floor. The door opens to reveal Dot collapsed down on the floor.

“If I ever get on my feet again, look out!” grits out Dot.

“Dot? That man inspired me to say something today: you shouldn't drink so much! It's not good for you. You need someone to look after and then maybe you wouldn't want to drink.”

Lorenzo helps her to stand again.

“Why Lorenzo, you're so strong!” says Dot as she rests her hand on his forearm. Lorenzo smiles at her, a little shy once more… but he doesn't let go of Dot's hand.

  


_\-----_

  


Outside, a group of tourists stand gawping on the street. One lady says to the other, “Well! They'll never believe **this** back in Idris.”

  


Alec spots a policeman at the street corner, and calls out to him, "Officer! Arrest this man, he's taking me up to his apartment!"

"Can't say as I blame him, sir!" replies the policeman, admiringly. "How's it going, Magnus?"

"Fine, Kelly, just fine!" says Magnus, striding on.

  


Near Magnus' building, a child asks his Mom, "Why is he carrying that man, Mommy?"

"I'll tell you when you're older, son. Come on, now."

  


In the lift near his apartment, Magnus begins to tell Alec of all the changes he's made to end his bachelor lifestyle because he thought they were getting married. Alec, however, is barely listening, he is so furious.

"Alright you got me up here. Now will you kindly put me down?" requests Alec as they leave the lift in Magnus' apartment building.

"No, it's a newly-wed tradition for you to be carried over the threshold… so you'll **be** carried."

"Newly-what?!!" whispers Alec.

 

"So tell me, how does it feel, returning to the scene of the crime?" asks Magnus.

"Newly-what?"

 

"Why did I spend a fortune having this apartment done over?" he wonders as he finally flops Alec down onto the ghastly turquoise velour boudoir couch. "Why did I cut myself off from every guy and girl I know? Why does any man destroy himself? Because he thinks he's getting married!!" he answers himself.

"And what does it get him?" he asks finally, gesturing with his arms wide to encompass all that is awful in this apartment.

"This!!"

Alec stands up from the couch and repeats his question. The indignation on his face has been replaced now with a softness, “Newly-what?”

Magnus is still ranting and waving his arms at each new piece of awfulness he sees around him, "Yes! You did yourself a great job! As far as I'm concerned, you can stay here, **and** charge admission!"

Magnus moves to leave the apartment again, matching his words with actions.

But Alec rushes to use one of the "Lothario" switches to dim all the bright lights and multi-coloured lamps across the living room. He flips the second switch and the huge gaudy self-playing piano in the living room pounds out a honky-tonk version of Magnus' standard love song;

_You are my Inspiration, my love._

 

Magnus turns around slowly trying to understand what is happening here. What is Alec thinking behind those beautiful eyes of his?

 

_\-- "What was Alec asking about whilst I was ranting about this mess?"_

_\-- "He doesn't look angry anymore..."_

 

And indeed, no. It does seem that Alec is no longer angry with Magnus. One might call that expression 'wondering', perhaps? Or 'realisation'?

Or 'fondness'?

Magnus takes a few steps towards Alec and they each reach out a hand to the other. He knows there will never be another question in his mind about Alec.

More importantly, he sees there are no more questions in Alec's eyes.

The tune plays on and on as they embrace.

 

 

Not quite The End - an epilogue coming soon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there is a scene in which one male character (Magnus) bursts in on another male character's bedroom, picks them up and carries them out. The person being carried objects, and is ignored by several people. No-one is harmed, all ends well and it's treated lightly in rom-com style… but consent is neither sought nor given. The two characters have no power imbalance, physically or otherwise.
> 
> There were several parts of this film that I left out for modern sensibilities around issues of consent as well as gender equality. But I decided to leave this scene as it was.


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick epilogue - this has been altered completely from the way the film ended!

Three months later, in Magnus' apartment:

 

It's late on a sunny Sunday morning. Alec and Magnus sit together reading the papers and drinking coffee.

This time next week they'll be nervously awaiting the first reviews of the new Broadway show, **Under your Spell** , that Simon funded, and featuring Magnus' songs. 

But for now, they are enjoying the peace of a well-earned break from a busy week.

 

Alec has completed the re-refurbishment of Magnus’ apartment, with far more taste this time. And all without charging his fee, which is the least he can do after their 'misunderstanding'!

It's turned out to be rather similar to his own place, but making better use of the light from the North-facing windows. Alec knows, however, that it's not the similarity of decor that makes him feel so at home here.

 

The spiral staircase has been remodelled as a far simpler structure, more open and clad in birch veneer.

A scale model of a teeny sports car is displayed in a stylish set of box shelves. Alec commissioned that set from a carpenter, and has put versions of it into just about every client's place since then. They are really taking off!

'Interior Design' magazine want to talk to him for a piece, and someone from London called Mr Terence Conran wants to meet up next week.

 

([image source](https://nathanielvennskap.tumblr.com/post/152612805157))

 

A painting by Alec's favourite New York abstract painter sits above the couch, whilst a selection of albums and show posters are framed on a wall near the grand piano.

Simon gave Magnus a housewarming gift of a side-table.

But, one last reminder of their happiest day stands in pride of place next to some light switches… a hideous statue of a two-headed monster!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You to everybody irl and online who has commented on, kudosed and otherwise encouraged this fanfic. It's by far the longest thing I've published outside of work stuff, and it's been fascinating to really analyse this film that I love so much.  
> Special thanks ofc to [Mansikka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/) who has been way more than a beta-reader and always makes things fun. The vodka cocktail with two umbrellas is in the post xx
> 
> Also, thanks to all those who used the survey (now closed!) to vote for the name of the Broadway Show.  
> 'Under your Spell' was chosen by an overwhelming vote from a list of: Pillow Talk; Inspired by You; Inspired to Change; A Perfect Combination; Under your Spell; It's Magic!  
> Finally, thanks to Doris Day & Rock Hudson who starred in this film in 1959 and I still enjoy it today. RIP


End file.
